Open wine - LIKE A BOSS.

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Hey everyone!

What a tremendous pleasure it is to write again!  The urge to kill is being slowly diminished as the whiskey washes over me, and my love for you, my readers, grows with each sip. 

This time, my vitriol and anger is directly aimed at those amateurs who have no idea how to cork a bottle of wine properly, yet expect a tip on said bottle.  How about I get a my wine without capsule or cork particles first?   Is that too much to ask? 

Let's rewind.

About a week ago, I made a horrendous decision.  I thought it would be OK to eat at Acqua Pazza, and I was horribly mistaken.  How can they get away with so SHAMELESSLY serving this pig slop?  Not only did the sauce on my pork chop taste like a seven year old made it out of simple syrup and corn starch, but my vegetables appeared to have been sitting on the plate since 1998.  Limp and flavorless, they had the character of a retiree with a ponytail - at first you're saying to yourself "what the fuck?"  and then, much more outraged a moment later, "WHAT THE FUCK?"

I digress.  Let's get back to the wine selection and the ignoramus serving it.

First of all, the wine list looks like it was compiled by a child randomly choosing wines based on the color of the label.  THERE ARE NO VINTAGES DENOTED ON THIS LIST.  Oh yeah, no big deal.  WHY DON'T YOU JUST BRING OUT THE CARLO ROSSI?  I can only assume this is done so the brilliant genius buying the wine doesn't have to update the list when a vintage changes, you know HOW HARD IT CAN BE TO CHANGE A DIGIT ON A LIST.  I'm sure it would take this particular wine buyer weeks to realize his/her continually compounding failures.

You'll imagine my delight when I saw a bottle of Clos Du Val Cabernet Sauvignon lumped in with the Simi and the Ravenswood.  I politely inquired what the vintage on the wine was, of course my knowledgeable, resourceful waiter said I DON'T KNOW.  He then shrugged his shoulders in such a way that I briefly envisioned myself cramming the list tightly down his esophagus while powerstabbing my fork into each of his bulging eyeballs.  In spite of his clueless demeanor and the EVER PRESENT URGE TO KILL, I restrained myself and waited until he returned with the bold proclamation - "Uh, it's a 2007"


Now, I'm not picky.  Really.  I'm a firm believer that you get what you pay for, and $20 for a three course meal does not inspire visions of grandeur, so I was prepared to suffer some lapses in service and food quality.

BUT THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR CHARGING $65 for a mediocre bottle of wine and THEN SERVING IT TO ME OUT OF A CABINET BY THE HOSTESS STAND.  

The wine, served at around 75 degrees, tasted hot and alcoholic.  A far cry from the 58 degree proper serving temperature.  I was with another Sommelier that evening, and the only thing that saved this waiter from being massacred by me right there in the dining room was my friend's playful smirk.

"I told you we shouldn't debase ourselves by stepping foot into this "restaurant," his look screamed at me across the table.  I could do nothing but choke the wine down and smile back.

How does one prevent failure in such a situation?

Let's start at the beginning.

DO NOT TELL A GUEST THAT THIS IS THE FIRST TIME YOU'RE USING THIS WINE KEY AND YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

DO NOT HACK AT THE FOIL LIKE A LUMBERJACK TRYING TO MEET HIS END OF THE MONTH QUOTA.

DO NOT CUT AT THE TOP OF THE BOTTLE SO THE LEAD CAPSULE DISINTEGRATES INTO MY UNDERSIZED GLASS.

DO NOT POUR THIS MEDIOCRE, WARM SWILL WITHOUT OFFERING A TASTE TO THE PERSON ORDERING IT.

It's not rocket science.  I know I'm not at Jean George's, but please open the wine with more dignity than your mother had when you were conceived that fateful night in the back of the 82 Camaro.

What a spectacular disaster.


Here's how to not get your eyes gouged out -

1. Know your vintages.  When approaching the person ordering the wine, state the name of the producer, the AVA and the vintage.  Present the label.

2. Cut the foil carefully, right here.

3. Slowly, insert the worm into the cork.  There's no rush.  Pull it out gently, inspect the cork.  If it looks like the wine has cooked or boiled over, don't serve it.  If it looks intact, well compressed and hasn't broken, pour a small taste.

4. Assuming the wine is fine, pour for the ladies at the table first, then everyone else, finishing with the host.

THAT'S IT.  REALLY. 

If these people are ever lucky enough to get my business again, it's whiskey all the way.  And maybe a black eye for the wine buyer.  In spite of these painful inadequacies, the place was PACKED.  So while I have no idea what they're doing right, apparently their target demographic has no idea what they're doing wrong.

And that's fine.

If you'd like your food bathed in mediocrity, your wine served by a Neanderthal who looks like his GED is the crowning achievement of the last decade and have NO PLANS AT ALL OF GETTING LAID - Take your date to Aqua Pazza.

Hey, at least I didn't get food poisoning.

Remember kids - life's too short to drink shit wine.  And it's certainly too short to pay $150 for a party of four when a meal at In n Out would have been infinitely more satisfying.

A la votre!
 

Waiting tables for dummies – a comprehensive guide.

Hey you.  Yes, you.  You wait tables?  And you haven’t read this shit?  What an atrocity.  Step your game up, read this and thank me for my Godly knowledge in a comment below.

Preface – YOU SHOULD SHOWER BEFORE WORK.  Nobody wants to smell the fermenting BO all over you when they’re trying to order dinner.  Groom yourself.  This doesn’t mean BATHING IN COLOGNE, it means don’t smell like a garbage truck.  Too much cologne is worse than none at all, I do not want my glass of wine smelling like Drakkar Noir.  Save it for your dates at the Red Lobster, it’s not appropriate for work.

Also, is it really that hard to wear a CLEAN and IRONED shirt to work?  It’s disgusting when the waiter looks like he just rolled out of bed wearing the same shirt he came to work in. 

BEFORE YOU EVEN WAIT ON ANYONE, YOU HAVE A SHITLOAD OF WORK TO DO.

Are your glasses buffed?  Silverware buffed?  Coffee made?  Iced tea brewed? DO YOU KNOW ALL OF TODAY’S SPECIALS?  What’s 86’ed?  Does the Chef want you to sell something SPECIFIC?  Did you do enough rollups for the patio?  Is there a cocktail of the day?  These questions, and plenty more are to be addressed before you ever take an order or even greet your guests.

Let’s assume you’re not a complete jackass, and you’ve done most of these.  Now you’re ready to meet your adoring public.

Greet your guests. 

In a clear, confident voice introduce yourself and welcome the ladies and gentlemen to the restaurant.  Make eye contact and smile.  Don’t fidget, stutter or fail in any other way.  The guests experience this evening is entirely your responsibility, and you’re not here to be their friend.   You’re their server.  Don’t say folks, girls, guys, dude, man, bro or anything else that is not respectful.  Hopefully you’re not working at a diner in South Texas, where this kind of shit is acceptable, but if you are maybe it’s time to reconsider your life choices.  Maybe you should have graduated middle school? 

Sell Water. 

Why would anyone decide to pour the water without asking a guests preference?  It’s presumptuous, and you’re losing the restaurant (not to mention yourself) money,.  Instead, offer the guest a choice of flat or sparkling bottled water.  By only giving them a bilateral choice, you’re in effect raising the odds of selling bottled water exponentially.   Two bottles per table of four, ten dollar sale.  Now, don’t you feel like a champion?   You always knew you’d make your mom proud.

Sell a cocktail (or two).

Would you like a cocktail before dinner?  Better yet, WHAT KIND of cocktail would you like before dinner?  A martini before dinner can loosen the situation up.  Suggest a cocktail, usually Vodka, Gin or Whiskey based works well.  Maybe throw in a rum cocktail, if your demographic is younger.

Example – “How about an ice cold martini tonight?  Or perhaps a Manhattan?  The Raspberry Mojito is muddled to order, and it’s very refreshing!”  Serving a round of cocktails also allows you to pair the diners food with the appropriate glass of wine.  Once they’ve ordered a glass of Cabernet, it’s difficult to pair that with the seafood dish your guest discovered he wants.   Remember  -  Alcohol is magic.  True story, just ask your parents.

(Yeah, you get it.)

Sell Wine to entire table instead of people separately.

GUEST 1 – “I’ll have a glass of cabernet, ($10)

GUEST 2 – “I’ll have one too.”

 

Here, you’re presented with several options. 

Option A – you get their two glasses of Cabernet.  $20 sale.

Option B – “That’s a great wine, but for only three dollars more I have the Brand X.  It’s from a single vineyard in a better vintage, has much more complexity and flavor density.  It’s a great value.”  $26 sale.

Option C – “Well, you know there are four and a half glasses of wine in a bottle, and if you plan on drinking a couple of glasses each it’s a good idea to get one for the table.  You can take home whatever you don’t finish here, and it will allow me to pair your food and wine selection much more effectively.  This Brand Y Cabernet is only $48, and is a much better wine than the other two.  It has a high rating, is ready to drink now and I’d love to decant it for you.   $48 sale.

Option A is reactive, while options B and C are proactive.  Don’t be an order taker.

Sell Specials.

Learn your specials.  Ingredients, methods of preparation, weight.  Usually, specials are more expensive entrees.  They also make the guest feel “special” for lack of a better term. 

WRONG – “Uh, well, tonight we have some Sea Bass and also like two other things.  We got a soup, it’s mushroom, and something called foie gras.  It’s from a duck.  It’s pretty good.  The Sea Bass comes with mango salsa and some rice. ”

RIGHT – “This evening our chef has prepared Tournedos Rossini, with a black truffle gastrique.  The petite filet is grass fed and prime, aged here in the house for three weeks.  The foie gras is a nice cut, about four ounces, just lightly seared on each side.  The dish is served with Bechemel Au Gratin potatoes and pan seared Haricot Verts, which of course are organic and prepared al dente.  This dish could change the very way you see your life.”

ORDERED.

 And they never even ask the price, which of course is $52.

 
 

Sell an appetizer.

GUEST – “I’ll have the Roast Chicken, please”

WRONG – “Uh, ok.”

RIGHT – “What kind of soup or salad would you like to start with?  Our soups are made from scratch fresh daily, and so are our salad dressings.  The wedge salad is a great way to start, the lettuce is crisp and it’s not too big. Or try the Oysters on the half shell, they’re shucked to order and delivered fresh daily”

SELL, you fools, SELL.

Sell side dishes.

Sell a side dish with the entrees, even if they already include one.  Sell the table something your restaurant is known for or does exceptionally well.  Basket of fries, side of vegetables, an extra salad to share.  Don’t feed them basket after basket of bread, you’re only hurting yourself in the long run. 

A PROPER BASKET OF BREAD WILL ALWAYS HAVE ONE MORE SLICE THAN THERE ARE PEOPLE AT THE TABLE.  Everyone gets one, and nobody will be rude enough to take the last one.  Unless, again, you work down in South Texas.  Then serve up the corn bread, by all means.

Upsell.

Would you like chicken on your salad?  Would you like a cocktail?  Would you like an extra glass of wine?   Our house fries are amazing, and a really easy to share! 

These things will separate you from the order takers masquerading as servers.

Don’t be afraid to pick up a plate or two. 

Even though you have bussers, prebussing a table gives you an opportunity to approach your table in an unobtrusive way.    

Let’s say your busser picks up an empty salad plate.  Is he going to sell that second glass of wine?  Probably not.  Is he going to refill that glass with the bottle on the table?  No.  Remember, it’s your responsibility to take care of the guest, not the bussers. 

I can’t emphasize this enough – DOES THE GUEST HAVE APPROPRIATE SILVERWARE?  Did she just eat a salad, had her salad fork and butter knife taken (by your busser probably,) and NOW DOES NOT HAVE A KNIFE TO CUT HER SALMON WITH?  This is an amateur hour mistake.  DON’T LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN.

Sell Dessert / Coffee / After Dinner Drinks.

Selling desserts is one of the most overlooked categories in waiting tables.  Often desserts can raise your check between 15% and 20% if sold correctly.  

Drop the desert menu on the table.  Don’t  ask, that gives the guest a chance to say no.  Drop the menu on the table and while you’re doing that, offer coffee.   

“Who would like coffee this evening?” is a much better way to sell than “Would you like some coffee this evening?”

Espresso drinks are expensive, so are digestives, ports, cognacs and whiskeys.  All of which can be enjoyed after dinner by the discerning guest.  By offering these options you’re already going above and beyond what order takers do.

Say your name again, thank your guest.  They’re paying your rent, you know.  The guest is why you’re allowed to exist, so thank them for that.  If you’ve been following these steps of excellence, the guest will want to dine with you again.  Remind them of your name, tell them you’d love to see them again and to ask for you when they return.  This makes the guest feel comfortable and cared about, it also guarantees that you will have a steady clientele that want to dine SPECIFICALLY WITH YOU.  Job security, anyone?

Knowledge is power.  Know your products.  Know your beers on tap, RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD.  Know your  house wines.  Don’t be caught stuttering, and NEVER say “I don’t know.”  Neither does the guest jackass, why are you even there if you don’t know?  Instead, say “Let me look into that for you,” and FIND OUT. 

That’s it.  If there’s more to add, I’d love to hear the criticism.  Please post as a comment.   The next post will be a basic wine guide.  Until then, CHEERS!  And don't be mad if you're not getting that 20% tip.  

You know you have to EARN it, right?

Last thing - look at my beautiful face consuming alcohol, should you need some inspiration.  

Five things that keep me up at night.

Oh yes, time to rant.  

Another installment of your favorite wine blog  IN YA FACE tonight.

 Let's see if you all agree with me - or if I'm just too bitchy about life's little details.

FIVE THINGS THAT MAKE ME WANT TO COMMIT RITUALISTIC SUICIDE WHILE EATING OUT.

 1. Overpriced wine list.

So you’re out with your date, the restaurant is gorgeous, the food reviews are legendary, the reservation was nearly impossible.  The setting is tasteful, elegant, maybe a bit romantic.  The Valentines Day Prix-Fixe menu is $79 per person, and even though you only just got promoted to assistant manager at the Gap, you’re sitting in that booth.  Probably enjoying the comfortable fit of your reasonably priced khakis and your dates look of adoration when suddenly – you crack the wine list.  And what do you find, at this bastion of haute cuisine?   

Shameless bastards, charging $74 for a bottle of Rombauer Chardonnay.  

 The unmitigated gall is so thickly smeared across their little collection of rare fermented grape juices, that the $30 corkage fee isn’t visible to the naked eye.  Much later, when you’ve had a fantastic meal ruined by a bottle of Kendall Jackson, or something equally revolting, you’re wondering why in the hell you spent a weeks pay to eat at a place with the arrogance to gauge you during a time of over 15% unemployment in our country.  I mean really.  

 HOW DARE YOU.

 2. Shitty wine key.

 You’re ready.  This is it.  You don’t ever do this, but it’s your birthday…  and you deserve it.  You crushed the bar exam, and that Law degree you leveraged your soul for looks like it may become worth more than the paper it’s printed on.  $200k in school loans to pay aren’t on your mind right now, and the bonus from the firm that will slowly suck the force of life from your heart is burning a hole in your pocket.

And there it is.  A 1986 Chateau Margaux.  Price tag - $1200.  

The waitress glides to your table with the Riedel Crystal, the decanter, the buoyant step of someone about to make a huge tip. She smiles at you, for a moment you feel like Donald Trump when he gets to fire someone.

The foil is cut, the worm is in when – snap – a look of terror in her eyes, the cork crumbles and falls into the bottle, as she’s DIGGING IN THERE LIKE SHE’S TRYING TO MAP A NEW TRADING ROUTE TO CHINA.

What makes you think you can open my wine with a corkscrew that came for free when you bought the COMBO PACK OF SUTTER HOME WHITE ZINFANDEL MAGNUMS AT 7-11 LAST NIGHT?  

Seriously.  And then you have to remind yourself that gauging out her eye with that crude Neanderthal tool would only be satisfying for a moment – prison wine would be hard to get used to.

3. Inadequate Glassware.

Can I just tell you, restaurant owners, that it’s going to be very difficult for me to want to spend my hard earned money on a nice bottle of wine when I know you’re going to pour it into a thimble?  Why are you buying wine glasses from the dollar store? 

Have a little class.  When I’m out at a casual restaurant and I see a $40 bottle of Chianti sitting on a shelf with what appear to be port glasses, it’s difficult to order.  I can already see your well trained staff of champions opening the bottle with the winged corkscrew and pouring me a 8oz glass to the rim.   

It’s 2012, not 1978.  People expect more for their money.

4. Corporate wine lists.

Oh yes.  I love this.  I love going to a place where Southern or Youngs sell 50 case drops of corporate swill, just so you can be charged three times what it costs at Ralphs.  If your beef is Prime, your Sommelier coherent and your prices are still stuck in 2003 what makes you think you can get away with shoving La Crema or Sonoma Cutrer down my throat? 

5. Idiot Servers.  

Me – What would you suggest with my Steak this evening?

Waiter – Uh, well, you know, I like *Pinoht-Noihr* because it’s a little sweeter.  I don’t like that Cabernet stuff, it’s kind of bitter and doesn’t have a good flavor.  Now what did you order again?

Me (bewildered) – Just your Filet Mignon, Medium Rare.

Waiter – Yeah, I have a really nice Pinot Noir from Blackstone, it’s only $22 and tastes really smooth.

FACEPALM. 

How can this man stay gainfully employed WHILE GOOD PEOPLE DON’T HAVE JOBS?   

So much failure.  So much opportunity for humor at the expense of others.  Get it together kids, or I will burn your restaurants to the ground.  Anything to help me sleep at night.  Well.... maybe I'll try Ambien first.  

Cheers!

Que sera Syrah

 

Who hasn’t had a glass of [yellow tail] Shiraz (or some shameless replica?) 

You probably have, and more than one at that.  Personally speaking, in College I was responsible for metric tons of bottles disappearing off gas station shelves everywhere.  We all loved this juicy, medium bodied crowd pleaser at parties, (one of the most popular wines in the world) – and for good reason.  Although it’s relatively simple in flavor and lacks any real depth or elegance, it is always friendly, consistent and immediately approachable.  And as most of us lack the resources to spend our hard earned dollars on expensive wines, this is very much a go to style for many who enjoy a glass or two of Syrah. 

But… did you know that Syrah has a serious side as well?  Rich, powerfully dense and tannic wines are hand crafted in small quantities in its spiritual (and physical) home in the Northern Rhone Valley.   Places such as Hermitage, Cote-Rotie, Crozes-Hermitage and my personal favorite – Cornas – all make Syrah based wines that can astound the senses.  In stark contrast to [yellow tail] these wines are often very ageable, and could require upwards of ten years to approach their drinking potential.   Planted centuries ago (by the Romans,) these vineyards have ancient vines and are mostly farmed quite naturally. 

Hermitage Vineyards, Northern Rhone Valley in France

As some of you may know, when a grape vine ages it naturally restricts fruit production, concentrates flavor and leads to far more physiological complexity in the grapes.  Phenolic compounds, antioxidants (like Resveratrol) and other substances are packed into the grapes by the low yield vines, brought up through the very long roots.  The small amount of fruit produced here, and the fact that the Northern Rhone growing region is fairly small means only one thing – You’re going to spend when buying a wine from there.   Don't worry – as with most things in life, you’ll get what you paid for.

The magical Syrah grape is the child of two rare, unknown grape varieties – Dureza and Mondeuse Blanche.  However, while these grapes have never really received any acclaim on their own, their superstar offspring continues to make its name as one of the most important wine making grapes today.   Due to the inherent resilience and versatility of Syrah, it continues to be planted, grown and produced widely throughout the world.   With over 100,000 acres planted in Australia alone, it is responsible for the success of the Australian wine industry (where it’s referred to as Shiraz.)   Legendary wines like Penfolds Grange, Henshke’s Hill of Grace, some of d’Arenberg and Rolf Binders top bottlings prove that Australian Shiraz is world class – and show us why it’s the most planted wine grape there.   

South Africa, California and even Washington State are all planting more and more Syrah which proves one thing – The grape is here to stay, and its status as one of the most sought after red grapes in the world isn’t in any danger these days.  Part of the appeal of this wine, is its amazing versatility for food pairing.  Grilled, stewed, roasted or braised meats all tend to do well…  One of my personal favorite food pairings with this versatile wine is Venison rack.  The gamy, full flavored piece of meat responds very well to the smoky, spicy dark fruit characteristics of Syrah.  Delicious.

So whether you’re opening a $5 bottle, or one you had to refinance the house for – Syrah is here to stay.  Pour, sniff, sip and enjoy.  After all, our stay here is finite. 

Don't forget though – life’s far too short to drink bad wine. 

A la votre!