Five things that keep me up at night.

Oh yes, time to rant.  

Another installment of your favorite wine blog  IN YA FACE tonight.

 Let's see if you all agree with me - or if I'm just too bitchy about life's little details.

FIVE THINGS THAT MAKE ME WANT TO COMMIT RITUALISTIC SUICIDE WHILE EATING OUT.

 1. Overpriced wine list.

So you’re out with your date, the restaurant is gorgeous, the food reviews are legendary, the reservation was nearly impossible.  The setting is tasteful, elegant, maybe a bit romantic.  The Valentines Day Prix-Fixe menu is $79 per person, and even though you only just got promoted to assistant manager at the Gap, you’re sitting in that booth.  Probably enjoying the comfortable fit of your reasonably priced khakis and your dates look of adoration when suddenly – you crack the wine list.  And what do you find, at this bastion of haute cuisine?   

Shameless bastards, charging $74 for a bottle of Rombauer Chardonnay.  

 The unmitigated gall is so thickly smeared across their little collection of rare fermented grape juices, that the $30 corkage fee isn’t visible to the naked eye.  Much later, when you’ve had a fantastic meal ruined by a bottle of Kendall Jackson, or something equally revolting, you’re wondering why in the hell you spent a weeks pay to eat at a place with the arrogance to gauge you during a time of over 15% unemployment in our country.  I mean really.  

 HOW DARE YOU.

 2. Shitty wine key.

 You’re ready.  This is it.  You don’t ever do this, but it’s your birthday…  and you deserve it.  You crushed the bar exam, and that Law degree you leveraged your soul for looks like it may become worth more than the paper it’s printed on.  $200k in school loans to pay aren’t on your mind right now, and the bonus from the firm that will slowly suck the force of life from your heart is burning a hole in your pocket.

And there it is.  A 1986 Chateau Margaux.  Price tag - $1200.  

The waitress glides to your table with the Riedel Crystal, the decanter, the buoyant step of someone about to make a huge tip. She smiles at you, for a moment you feel like Donald Trump when he gets to fire someone.

The foil is cut, the worm is in when – snap – a look of terror in her eyes, the cork crumbles and falls into the bottle, as she’s DIGGING IN THERE LIKE SHE’S TRYING TO MAP A NEW TRADING ROUTE TO CHINA.

What makes you think you can open my wine with a corkscrew that came for free when you bought the COMBO PACK OF SUTTER HOME WHITE ZINFANDEL MAGNUMS AT 7-11 LAST NIGHT?  

Seriously.  And then you have to remind yourself that gauging out her eye with that crude Neanderthal tool would only be satisfying for a moment – prison wine would be hard to get used to.

3. Inadequate Glassware.

Can I just tell you, restaurant owners, that it’s going to be very difficult for me to want to spend my hard earned money on a nice bottle of wine when I know you’re going to pour it into a thimble?  Why are you buying wine glasses from the dollar store? 

Have a little class.  When I’m out at a casual restaurant and I see a $40 bottle of Chianti sitting on a shelf with what appear to be port glasses, it’s difficult to order.  I can already see your well trained staff of champions opening the bottle with the winged corkscrew and pouring me a 8oz glass to the rim.   

It’s 2012, not 1978.  People expect more for their money.

4. Corporate wine lists.

Oh yes.  I love this.  I love going to a place where Southern or Youngs sell 50 case drops of corporate swill, just so you can be charged three times what it costs at Ralphs.  If your beef is Prime, your Sommelier coherent and your prices are still stuck in 2003 what makes you think you can get away with shoving La Crema or Sonoma Cutrer down my throat? 

5. Idiot Servers.  

Me – What would you suggest with my Steak this evening?

Waiter – Uh, well, you know, I like *Pinoht-Noihr* because it’s a little sweeter.  I don’t like that Cabernet stuff, it’s kind of bitter and doesn’t have a good flavor.  Now what did you order again?

Me (bewildered) – Just your Filet Mignon, Medium Rare.

Waiter – Yeah, I have a really nice Pinot Noir from Blackstone, it’s only $22 and tastes really smooth.

FACEPALM. 

How can this man stay gainfully employed WHILE GOOD PEOPLE DON’T HAVE JOBS?   

So much failure.  So much opportunity for humor at the expense of others.  Get it together kids, or I will burn your restaurants to the ground.  Anything to help me sleep at night.  Well.... maybe I'll try Ambien first.  

Cheers!