Waiting tables for dummies – a comprehensive guide.

Hey you.  Yes, you.  You wait tables?  And you haven’t read this shit?  What an atrocity.  Step your game up, read this and thank me for my Godly knowledge in a comment below.

Preface – YOU SHOULD SHOWER BEFORE WORK.  Nobody wants to smell the fermenting BO all over you when they’re trying to order dinner.  Groom yourself.  This doesn’t mean BATHING IN COLOGNE, it means don’t smell like a garbage truck.  Too much cologne is worse than none at all, I do not want my glass of wine smelling like Drakkar Noir.  Save it for your dates at the Red Lobster, it’s not appropriate for work.

Also, is it really that hard to wear a CLEAN and IRONED shirt to work?  It’s disgusting when the waiter looks like he just rolled out of bed wearing the same shirt he came to work in. 

BEFORE YOU EVEN WAIT ON ANYONE, YOU HAVE A SHITLOAD OF WORK TO DO.

Are your glasses buffed?  Silverware buffed?  Coffee made?  Iced tea brewed? DO YOU KNOW ALL OF TODAY’S SPECIALS?  What’s 86’ed?  Does the Chef want you to sell something SPECIFIC?  Did you do enough rollups for the patio?  Is there a cocktail of the day?  These questions, and plenty more are to be addressed before you ever take an order or even greet your guests.

Let’s assume you’re not a complete jackass, and you’ve done most of these.  Now you’re ready to meet your adoring public.

Greet your guests. 

In a clear, confident voice introduce yourself and welcome the ladies and gentlemen to the restaurant.  Make eye contact and smile.  Don’t fidget, stutter or fail in any other way.  The guests experience this evening is entirely your responsibility, and you’re not here to be their friend.   You’re their server.  Don’t say folks, girls, guys, dude, man, bro or anything else that is not respectful.  Hopefully you’re not working at a diner in South Texas, where this kind of shit is acceptable, but if you are maybe it’s time to reconsider your life choices.  Maybe you should have graduated middle school? 

Sell Water. 

Why would anyone decide to pour the water without asking a guests preference?  It’s presumptuous, and you’re losing the restaurant (not to mention yourself) money,.  Instead, offer the guest a choice of flat or sparkling bottled water.  By only giving them a bilateral choice, you’re in effect raising the odds of selling bottled water exponentially.   Two bottles per table of four, ten dollar sale.  Now, don’t you feel like a champion?   You always knew you’d make your mom proud.

Sell a cocktail (or two).

Would you like a cocktail before dinner?  Better yet, WHAT KIND of cocktail would you like before dinner?  A martini before dinner can loosen the situation up.  Suggest a cocktail, usually Vodka, Gin or Whiskey based works well.  Maybe throw in a rum cocktail, if your demographic is younger.

Example – “How about an ice cold martini tonight?  Or perhaps a Manhattan?  The Raspberry Mojito is muddled to order, and it’s very refreshing!”  Serving a round of cocktails also allows you to pair the diners food with the appropriate glass of wine.  Once they’ve ordered a glass of Cabernet, it’s difficult to pair that with the seafood dish your guest discovered he wants.   Remember  -  Alcohol is magic.  True story, just ask your parents.

(Yeah, you get it.)

Sell Wine to entire table instead of people separately.

GUEST 1 – “I’ll have a glass of cabernet, ($10)

GUEST 2 – “I’ll have one too.”

 

Here, you’re presented with several options. 

Option A – you get their two glasses of Cabernet.  $20 sale.

Option B – “That’s a great wine, but for only three dollars more I have the Brand X.  It’s from a single vineyard in a better vintage, has much more complexity and flavor density.  It’s a great value.”  $26 sale.

Option C – “Well, you know there are four and a half glasses of wine in a bottle, and if you plan on drinking a couple of glasses each it’s a good idea to get one for the table.  You can take home whatever you don’t finish here, and it will allow me to pair your food and wine selection much more effectively.  This Brand Y Cabernet is only $48, and is a much better wine than the other two.  It has a high rating, is ready to drink now and I’d love to decant it for you.   $48 sale.

Option A is reactive, while options B and C are proactive.  Don’t be an order taker.

Sell Specials.

Learn your specials.  Ingredients, methods of preparation, weight.  Usually, specials are more expensive entrees.  They also make the guest feel “special” for lack of a better term. 

WRONG – “Uh, well, tonight we have some Sea Bass and also like two other things.  We got a soup, it’s mushroom, and something called foie gras.  It’s from a duck.  It’s pretty good.  The Sea Bass comes with mango salsa and some rice. ”

RIGHT – “This evening our chef has prepared Tournedos Rossini, with a black truffle gastrique.  The petite filet is grass fed and prime, aged here in the house for three weeks.  The foie gras is a nice cut, about four ounces, just lightly seared on each side.  The dish is served with Bechemel Au Gratin potatoes and pan seared Haricot Verts, which of course are organic and prepared al dente.  This dish could change the very way you see your life.”

ORDERED.

 And they never even ask the price, which of course is $52.

 
 

Sell an appetizer.

GUEST – “I’ll have the Roast Chicken, please”

WRONG – “Uh, ok.”

RIGHT – “What kind of soup or salad would you like to start with?  Our soups are made from scratch fresh daily, and so are our salad dressings.  The wedge salad is a great way to start, the lettuce is crisp and it’s not too big. Or try the Oysters on the half shell, they’re shucked to order and delivered fresh daily”

SELL, you fools, SELL.

Sell side dishes.

Sell a side dish with the entrees, even if they already include one.  Sell the table something your restaurant is known for or does exceptionally well.  Basket of fries, side of vegetables, an extra salad to share.  Don’t feed them basket after basket of bread, you’re only hurting yourself in the long run. 

A PROPER BASKET OF BREAD WILL ALWAYS HAVE ONE MORE SLICE THAN THERE ARE PEOPLE AT THE TABLE.  Everyone gets one, and nobody will be rude enough to take the last one.  Unless, again, you work down in South Texas.  Then serve up the corn bread, by all means.

Upsell.

Would you like chicken on your salad?  Would you like a cocktail?  Would you like an extra glass of wine?   Our house fries are amazing, and a really easy to share! 

These things will separate you from the order takers masquerading as servers.

Don’t be afraid to pick up a plate or two. 

Even though you have bussers, prebussing a table gives you an opportunity to approach your table in an unobtrusive way.    

Let’s say your busser picks up an empty salad plate.  Is he going to sell that second glass of wine?  Probably not.  Is he going to refill that glass with the bottle on the table?  No.  Remember, it’s your responsibility to take care of the guest, not the bussers. 

I can’t emphasize this enough – DOES THE GUEST HAVE APPROPRIATE SILVERWARE?  Did she just eat a salad, had her salad fork and butter knife taken (by your busser probably,) and NOW DOES NOT HAVE A KNIFE TO CUT HER SALMON WITH?  This is an amateur hour mistake.  DON’T LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN.

Sell Dessert / Coffee / After Dinner Drinks.

Selling desserts is one of the most overlooked categories in waiting tables.  Often desserts can raise your check between 15% and 20% if sold correctly.  

Drop the desert menu on the table.  Don’t  ask, that gives the guest a chance to say no.  Drop the menu on the table and while you’re doing that, offer coffee.   

“Who would like coffee this evening?” is a much better way to sell than “Would you like some coffee this evening?”

Espresso drinks are expensive, so are digestives, ports, cognacs and whiskeys.  All of which can be enjoyed after dinner by the discerning guest.  By offering these options you’re already going above and beyond what order takers do.

Say your name again, thank your guest.  They’re paying your rent, you know.  The guest is why you’re allowed to exist, so thank them for that.  If you’ve been following these steps of excellence, the guest will want to dine with you again.  Remind them of your name, tell them you’d love to see them again and to ask for you when they return.  This makes the guest feel comfortable and cared about, it also guarantees that you will have a steady clientele that want to dine SPECIFICALLY WITH YOU.  Job security, anyone?

Knowledge is power.  Know your products.  Know your beers on tap, RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD.  Know your  house wines.  Don’t be caught stuttering, and NEVER say “I don’t know.”  Neither does the guest jackass, why are you even there if you don’t know?  Instead, say “Let me look into that for you,” and FIND OUT. 

That’s it.  If there’s more to add, I’d love to hear the criticism.  Please post as a comment.   The next post will be a basic wine guide.  Until then, CHEERS!  And don't be mad if you're not getting that 20% tip.  

You know you have to EARN it, right?

Last thing - look at my beautiful face consuming alcohol, should you need some inspiration.